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THE 40 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED � 1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as� if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times.The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

� 2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull� them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.

�� 3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back� and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it �� should �� be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.

� 4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show �� your �� appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that �� he's �� done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up �� his �� arse should do the trick.

� 5. PHONE TURN-Off: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and � say: �� "I'm �� just waiting for a call� from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment �� but �� we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells� might have turned �� Quasimodo �� on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.

� 6. NO LAUGHING MATTER:� Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets �� carried �� away and says� things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking �� slut" �� or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice � Laughter �� at �� any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be � grateful �� you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

� 7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your �� face, �� don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of �� joyful �� union with him.� Semen is not likely to cause� permanent blindness in �� most �� cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his �� happiness.

� 8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be �� asked �� to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

� 9. HANGING AROUND:� When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, � he �� does �� not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in � peace. �� If �� you are a one-night stand you should leave� the premises with out �� thieving �� anything or asking for a phone number.

� 10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. �� If �� you don't like it that� much, still offer it as you can quite easily �� play �� with yourself as he rams away.

� 11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to � clean �� his �� sheets and any ball� bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not �� swallowed �� everything.

� 12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE:� Never ask a man if he likes your body as you �� will �� force him to lie.� Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose �� some �� weight and tighten those buns and thighs.� here is no such thing as � the �� perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi � et �� al �� could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?

� 13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are �� you �� going to come� soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take � your �� mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you � should �� have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and � takes �� more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial �� but �� a �� blissful act of union between two� sexually aware and gifted human �� beings.

� 14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover � he's �� ever had. Most men� have had so many sexual partners that it is � unlikely �� that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important �� thing.

� 15. PLAYING DEAD:� Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not � a �� spectator sport and it helps� if both parties move around a bit. I � know �� you �� expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind � that �� and �� we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least � put �� some �� effort into the act to show your appreciation.

� 16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover � who �� can �� satisfy two women at� a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting �� suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. � If �� he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might � learn �� something from her to keep your man really happy.

� �� 17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It �� makes �� your pussy look� like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date.� At �� best, �� it �� looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you� want to trim, go for � a �� nice �� sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that �� your �� man would rather be shagging.

� �� 18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to � ejaculate �� and �� get his aim right� into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without �� savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play� with semen � like �� a �� block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side � to �� side. A� line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a �� happy �� finale to fun and games.

� �� 19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and �� energy �� he has expended on� making love to you - especially if a) sex has � lasted �� more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A �� man' �� s �� role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice �� when �� one's prowess is appreciated.

� �� 20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's �� warm �� after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into �� well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should �� buy �� that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name �� for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

� �� 21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on � being �� IN �� BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a � designated �� room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the �� bathroom �� and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine �� he's �� bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, �� harder �� erection.

� �� 22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be �� excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in �� expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like �� semen, �� HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.

� �� 23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please �� make �� an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match �� the �� outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits �� for �� example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries �� with �� something silky.

� �� 24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, �� so �� please don't insist on seeing� what's going on. If he's got a bit of a �� beer �� belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right �� to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine �� he's �� shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect � of �� the �� male psyche.

� �� 25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by � challenging �� him �� to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was �� important �� to remember your name, he would have.

� �� 26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts � out �� another woman's� name during the sexual act. Men have much more �� complicated �� lives than women and deal with many� more people at work, football � club, �� gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally �� innocent. �� Of �� course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is �� nderstandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.

� �� 27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his �� proud �� stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise �� every �� square centimetre� of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to �� 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. � If �� you �� must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and �� has �� started to snore.

� �� 28. TOOTH ACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be �� taken �� literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a �� little �� nibble now and again.

� �� 29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex � as �� part �� of foreplay, 20�� minutes is the bare minimum required to give the �� subtle �� and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 � minutes �� at �� least.

� �� 30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the �� important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in � bed �� you �� must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant �� for �� facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's � anal �� region.

� �� 31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during �� those �� special moments (so he� can remember the bits he missed because he was �� drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera � or �� video camera.

� �� 32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the �� pink �� clam, please� give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can � have �� too �� much of a good thing.

� �� 33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil �� everybody's �� fun by insisting on� having one every time you have sex. Of course, if �� you �� do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.

� �� 34. PERIOD PAIN (1) : It's natural for a woman to beg for a good � seeing �� to �� but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it �� hasn't �� even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his �� fantasies �� about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls �� he �� shagged before he met you.

� �� 35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on �� the �� blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. �� Don't �� put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special �� time �� together to work on your oral and massage techniques.

� �� 36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some �� encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might �� be �� the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if� he's got a �� stiffy, �� you've got to deal with it and take things through to there natural �� conclusion.

� �� 37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please �� understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall �� asleep �� while on the job. You should take it as a compliment� that he feels so �� relaxed.

� �� 38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being � a �� sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the �� illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or �� fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never �� discovers �� the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.

� �� 39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about � sleeping �� on �� the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of �� coitus �� he �� would have given us a snatch.

� �� 40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good � sex �� are �� hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a football match.� No �� gardening or knitting programmes to be watched. �